The hardest thing to say sometimes is just, “I’m not doing okay.”
A person can struggle for weeks or months and still tell everyone around them that they are fine. Work is completed, messages are responded to, meals are prepared, life continues as usual. There may not be any obvious sign from the outside that something doesn’t feel right. But inside, things can feel quite different.
Many people have difficulty seeking emotional support. It may be easier to handle a problem by yourself than to explain to someone what is happening. Concerns might be: being judged, looking weak, feeling like a burden, not knowing how to express complex feelings.
Coping Doesn’t Mean You Have To Do Everything Alone
Nothing wrong with being independent. Solving problems, taking responsibility, and getting through difficult times can build confidence.
The trouble begins when independence turns to isolation.
And there comes a time for everybody when your own efforts aren’t enough. Stress at work, relationship problems, financial stress, grief, loneliness or ongoing worry can all become hard to manage on your own.
Independence means not being afraid to ask for help. Sometimes it’s just a pragmatic way of dealing with things that have got too heavy to carry alone.
Why People Say “I’m Fine” When They’re Not
“I’m fine” can mean a lot of different things.
Sometimes it actually means that all is well. Sometimes it means, “I don’t know how to explain this,” or “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
Another worry might be that once you start a conversation, it is difficult to stop. One might fear that admitting to struggling will invite awkward questions or unsolicited advice.
This results in people frequently concealing issues until they are far more difficult to handle.
You Don’t Need the Perfect Words
“People do not want to talk about mental health because they think they have to understand what they are feeling before they can talk about it.”
They don’t.
It’s perfectly fine to say, ‘I don’t know what’s wrong, but I just haven’t felt like myself lately.’
Other simple ways to start a conversation include telling someone that things have been feeling overwhelming, that sleep has become difficult, or that motivation has been unusually low.
You don’t need to begin a conversation with a complete explanation. Sometimes the first step is simply letting someone else know that something has changed.
Your Choices Count
Not everyone will react the same way to a difficult conversation.
It may be better to confide in a trusted friend, family member, doctor, therapist, counselor or other supportive person rather than someone who tends to brush off emotional problems.
It’s not necessarily about finding someone with all the answers. It can be so helpful to have someone listen who isn’t going to immediately judge you or try to fix everything.
If the first person you talk to doesn’t take it well, that doesn’t mean the problem isn’t important. It might just be that a different source of support is needed.
Support Is Not Always Advice
When someone confides a personal issue, it is easy to feel compelled to jump in with solutions.
Sometimes advice is good advice. Sometimes they just want someone to listen.
A friend saying “That sounds really hard” can be more helpful than a long list of things they should do differently.
If you are supporting someone else it is the same thing. Listening patiently, asking what kind of support they need and not making comparisons can make a conversation feel safer.
Small Talk May Be Easier Than One Big Talk
It can seem like too much to try and talk about everything at once.
Perhaps it is easier to start by starting with one part of the problem. Someone might, for example, talk about trouble sleeping before talking about the anxiety or sadness that accompanies it.
There is no rule that says a serious conversation has to happen all at once. Trust is something that takes time to build and people are more likely to open up when they feel they won’t be judged for what they say.
When You Might Need Professional Help
Friends and family can be a great source of emotional support, but they cannot always provide the type of help a mental health professional can.
If sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, anger, sleep problems, loss of interest, or difficulty functioning continue to interfere with your day-to-day life, talking to a doctor or mental health professional may be an important step.
There’s a place for professional help and it isn’t only for people in crisis. It can also help a person understand what they are going through and learn healthier ways to cope.
Helping a Friend in Need
Sometimes the person who needs help isn’t obvious. While dealing with responsibilities, socializing and working, someone might be fighting a battle in private.
A quick check-in can go a long way if a friend or family member seems different lately.
No lengthy speech necessary. Asking how they have really been feeling, and allowing them enough time to answer, can open the door to a conversation.
It’s also important not to pressure someone to tell you everything right away. Even if they aren’t ready to talk, knowing support is there can be helpful.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness
There is still a tendency to treat emotional problems as something that people should just get over. But that’s not how mental health works.
You can be strong, responsible, successful, and still have anxiety, depression, loneliness, grief, or stress that feels overwhelming.
It takes awareness, not weakness, to know that something is not right and to do something about it.
That first step is sometimes a chat with a trusted person. Sometimes it’s a visit to a health care provider. And sometimes it’s just saying to yourself that things have gotten hard.
There is no award for suffering in silence.
Taking mental health seriously means paying attention to problems before they take over more and more of our everyday lives. It might feel awkward to ask for help at first, but it might also be the moment when things start to feel a little less heavy.
